“I’d rather be whole than good.”

—Carl Jung

Seeing that tax season was approaching, and feeling a bit overwhelmed, I decided I should Really Do Something About That. I then proceeded to observe myself with some amusement as I re-committed on a nearly daily basis to Really Do Something About My Taxes, with no translation from commitment into actual action. My amusement then became stress, impatience, and self-judgment, and at last—sensing that I required some support—I booked a call with a local tax preparer who had good reviews on Yelp.

I booked the call for a week and a half out (to give myself time to get things organized on my end, I told myself)…and then at the appointed time, I was taking a nap on my sofa, having misremembered the time of the call. I was mystified and upset with myself. What a flake! I emailed the tax preparer, apologized, and rescheduled my call.

Now, I was a bit suspicious of myself. I meticulously gathered my files, took careful notes, and over-prepared, quite frankly, for what was simply an initial consultation to see whether this tax preparer would be a good fit. What was the matter with me? Could I trust myself to handle my taxes? To ‘adult’ on the most basic level?

I then began to observe more closely my physiological response to the process of tax preparation…which was very illuminating. I would make time to sit down at my desk to work on taxes, and no sooner would I sit down then I would get a stomachache and notice my breathing constrict. That’s when I decided to use my tax preparation process as a vision quest.

What I began to observe (not in my conscious mind, but in my body’s responses) was that I was scared. For me, taxes and the IRS represent Authority. The People In Charge. And if I made a mistake on my taxes (or what if I had already made a mistake? What if it was already too late, in some amorphous but threatening-feeling way that my amygdala hadn’t quite defined for itself but was wary of) then there would be Consequences with a capital ‘C’. And I put my tax preparer in the role of Parent/Teacher/Professor, and I wanted very badly to do a good job, was nervous that I wouldn’t, and I found myself worrying to a ridiculous degree that I would somehow let her down.

Wow! Super illuminating, right? This one very normal, routine situation yielded some really potent insights for me, about me. I can now use these insights to let go of that next layer of old patterning and conditioning that doesn’t serve me.

Do you want to try it? You can use anything—anything—as a vision quest.

1. Set yourself the intention of learning something new about yourself and gaining insights about your limiting beliefs.
2. Choose a situation or a project as a container for your inquiry. Ideally, use a situation that is specific and ‘time-bound’, meaning that it has a beginning and an end that are both clearly defined.
3. Enter the situation with courage, curiosity, gentleness…and pay attention. The most important thing is to show up. If you flake, take responsibility and try again.
4. Notice anything and everything that happens to you while you’re in that situation…and also notice the meaning that you make of the events.
5. Give yourself some time and space afterwards to reflect, journal, unwind, and maybe debrief with a trusted loved one.
6. Find ways to adjust your actions to align more fully with the person you want to be. You can start small, and just take it step by step.

I also want to respectfully acknowledge that I first learned about the concept of vision quests from the books Grandfather and The Journey by Tom Brown, Jr., and have also been learning a great deal from the teachings of the Lakota People and many other First Nations peoples of North, South, and Central America. I have deepened my own experience and understanding of vision quests with my coach and mentor, Kimberly Errigo, and in my work with Wings Seminars.