I want to be honest: I have been feeling quite a few emotional ups and downs recently, and so I want to name that. I am in a beautiful place in the White Mountains of New Hampshire with nothing too much in the way of complaints, and the company of my beloved dog, Ellie. And yet, I have been plagued by uncomfortable feelings of sadness, frustration, and grief.

On the phone with my mom last month, I mentioned that I’d been feeling a bit melancholy, and she named that the onset of autumn can sometimes bring with it a bittersweet sense of loss: the summer’s over; things are ending; winter suddenly seems closer.

And you know what I said??

“No, wait. It’s not fall yet, Mom! Slow down. Oh my gosh!”

And that, my friends, is something I like to call ‘denial’.

I have noticed in myself, and in American culture more generally, a near-allergy to what are perceived as “negative” emotions: sadness, anger, frustration, grief, rage. Even though I intellectually understand and appreciate that my emotions are a natural, healthy, and important part of the human experience, I still find myself resisting uncomfortable emotions, in large part because they feel messy, and I worry about making a fool of myself and being judged by others. And here’s the thing: I have been judged for displaying too much emotion in my life.

So, with all of this being true—that anger and sadness can feel messy and scary and out of control and if we show up fully as we are, we will most likely be judged negatively by others—why in the world would anyone strive to show up authentically? That sounds like a recipe for pain, awkwardness, and loss of social capital, right? And if I show emotion on the job, that’s even worse for my reputation! People will judge me as unprofessional, immature, incapable of “keeping it together”…The list goes on.

Here’s why: if I do not allow myself to feel my anger, grief, and sadness, I will also not allow the other feelings that I do want to be a part of my experience: happiness, connection, love, gratitude, peace. Damming up the river by trying to control myself and avoid one particular experience I’m having dams up the flow of all my other emotions as well. And when it comes to my career, my sense of connection to my work—my sense of passion and purpose and commitment—is deeply fueled by my emotions. When I hear people talk about a ‘soulless job’ or a ‘soul crushing job’, my reading of that situation is that they are not experiencing any emotional connection to the job, no commitment fueled by passion. enthusiasm, and a larger sense of vision.

Another reason to attend to one’s emotions in a proactive and honest way is that—when you are suppressing or denying an emotional experience you are having, people can tell. They may not fully understand what’s going on for you, but they can definitely tell that there is a discrepancy between what you are overtly communicating and the fullness of what’s going on for you. This can lead to misunderstandings and confusion, which in turn, get in the way of effectiveness (and harmony!) at work.

My personal role models in this arena are those who acknowledge and own their full experience, and take the time to attend to their emotional needs in a thoughtful and compassionate way. They don’t bring their emotions into the workplace in a manipulative way, and they certainly don’t hurl or vent their emotional issues at other people. However, their emotions are an integral part of who they are, and you trust them and know where they stand because they are communicating with their whole selves.

And so, as I endeavor to walk my talk and practice what I preach, I want to tell myself the truth about how I am feeling rather than pretending that summer will last forever and I will never ever in my life feel sad, or angry, or disappointed, or melancholy. As I work to grow into the kind of leader I want to be, I have to start where I am, and this means accepting where I am.

Lucy Claire