I love to think, and for much of my life, I identified mostly with my brain and my intellectual capacities. I endeavored to be thoughtful, practical, rational, and prudent, and this was how I knew myself and understood myself. I was certainly creative, but I never wanted this to interfere with my pragmatism or with my lofty and earnest commitment to being of service. I planned carefully. I made lots of lists.

Last week, I took a ‘Staycation” here in the Bay Area, booking a hotel room not far from my apartment (through Hotel Tonight, so I reassured myself that I was getting a good deal!) and dropped my dog off at a dog boarding place so I wouldn’t have to take care of anyone else besides myself. I ordered pizza and watched Hulu (“Nine-nine!!”). I went shopping for clothes and spent hours at Barnes and Noble reading, writing, and drinking tea. I took myself out to dinner. I took naps, used my watercolor set, sat on the sand near the Bay and watched the birds swooping and diving. I bought myself roses because they were beautiful. I put on makeup when I wanted to and didn’t when I didn’t want to. I ate when I was hungry. I didn’t plan much of anything.

At multiple times during the week, I found myself thinking: “This is too much.” It was too much money. It was too much time to take off. It was lazy and selfish of me. It was wasteful.

Throughout the week, I lived with this dichotomy inside my heart, with part of me feeling completely in love with my life, overflowing with gratitude for the opportunity to deeply rest and be still and take care of myself; and a very strong and earnest part of myself that wants to be of service, wants to reduce my impact on the planet in every way possible and assist others to do the same, is deeply skeptical of consumerism and shopping in general, that reminded me at every meal that sugar, alcohol, dairy, and gluten are hard on my body and cause my skin to break out, and on and on…

So I ate my (delicious!) quesadilla, and enjoyed my carrot cake and watermelon margarita immensely; I sank into delightful novels and stayed up way past my bedtime; I bought a bottle of (all natural!) perfume called ‘Lust’, (and worried about what my mom would think if I told her.)

(Hi, Mom!)

And I felt the self-judgment and the fear come up, and the skepticism and exasperation (do you really need that much sleep?). And I allowed all of it to exist inside of me without having to make any part of it wrong. I believe that there is a deeper truth at work in my life that is larger than either of these parts of myself, and I want very much to make peace with all of my different parts so that this deeper truth can flow more fully into my life and into the world.

I invite you to walk with your dichotomies this month, and to give yourself grace as you do so.

1. Take your dichotomy for a walk Are there parts of yourself that you judge as wrong or bad or lazy? If so, can you find gentle (and legal and at least relatively safe) ways to lean into these parts of yourself?
2. Can you notice any judgment and resistance as it comes up and let that be there, too?
3. Can you move through all of it in a new way, holding space for the either/or to begin to dissolve? Can you invite grace into the open space you are creating?