I took part over the last three months in a mindfulness group for climate activists. In one week’s session, we were introduced to the concept of shenpa:
“Shenpa directs us to fight, flight, or freeze reactions…How it feels for each of us may be different, but it’s generally a kind of tightening or constricting, an impulse to fight, run away, or shut down.”
—The Ongo Book: Everyday Nonviolence, by Catherine Cadden and Jesse Wiens (179-180)
My introduction to shenpa coincided with me stepping out more visibly as a white ally in solidarity with the Black Lives Matter movement, and I’m very grateful that it did. Within the first few days of setting my intention to learn how to be a better white ally and share resources with others, I received a piece of feedback that I didn’t like. It hit me right in the gut, and I got super defensive. I felt that I had been misunderstood. I thought that the other person was not really seeing me. I also felt embarrassed because I know that white people getting defensive during conversations about racism happens a lot and is super counterproductive. I realize more and more that BIPOC in our country can feel misunderstood and not truly seen (not to mention often feeling physically unsafe) pretty much every hour of every day.
However, I had to own to myself that I was completely and totally triggered. I thought that what the other person had said was not fair and was not moving the conversation forward. I was indignant and frustrated.
“Well at least I’m trying!!” I wanted to shout.
My blood pressure spiked whenever I replayed the incident in my mind. There were tears. There was shouting into a pillow.
I was deep in shenpa.
What was helpful for me was to take a little bit of time to feel all of my feelings and to get curious about what was truly going on for me. What I have done in the past is to simply make myself wrong, but that hasn’t actually served me very well (and it has not served my allyship, either.) It was essential for me to first practice self-empathy and get to the bottom of why I was so incredibly triggered.
In my example, I interpreted the piece of feedback as the other person saying I was “doing allyship wrong.” The feedback resonated with the critical way in which I often relate to myself. I felt incredibly defensive because the feedback hit on a deep insecurity and fear I have of “never being able to do enough” and of being a privileged and naïve white girl who doesn’t truly “get it.”
I was triggered because I have completely unrealistic expectations of myself and I’m embarrassed to be a beginner and I don’t like to get things wrong. Once I could see this more clearly, then I could tease apart my own emotional work from my work as a white ally. Both are important, and it is important to me that I attend to each in its own container with a clear intention, rather than getting them all tangled up and mixed up together.
Are you a person of privilege who is committed to doing your part to make the world safer, more just, and more inclusive for all people? If so, I recommend that you develop a toolkit for how to navigate situations in which you feel triggered, misunderstood, defensive, or think you’re being projected upon. If you can take the time that you need to attend to what is going on inside of yourself in these moments, then you can return to the space of allyship to do that essential work from a place of greater integrity.
Tools for Navigating Shenpa:
- Own that you’re in it. Do you want to run away? Do you want to punch someone? Do you want to be right? (No, do you absolutely KNOW that you’re right??) If so, you’re in shenpa, my friend.
- Time is your ally: before you text back, email back, or comment on the FB post, give it at least 24 hours.
- Take some deep breaths and move your body. Bring gentle attention to where in your body you are registering tension, constriction, heat, or any other physiological sensations.
- Get curious about what you are making the triggering event mean. You don’t have to figure it all out right this instant—just get curious and keep paying attention.
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